You surround me, infact you cut me short from my air waves...suffocating me with youre sweet scent.
Your touch your voice your smile.
My husband
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
dear everyone,
how the hell do you go through life wondering what to do with it, and not doing it at the same time?
i want to be able to simply know how to balance my thoughts out, and not tie them in with my feelings.
at this point, its driving me absolutely insane trying to construct my thoughts and my actions all at once.
im not used to feeling like at any moment my life will all fall apart, and i will have to go through something tragic, upsetting, and unpleasantly life changing like i have been doing here recently.
im not sure how to explain to all of you that what you are seeing is a girl that is trying undoubtfully hard to do right even though that is the last thing that she wants to do, and she wouldnt be doing it if it wasnt to do anything other than making it right. but how do you do right, and know what you doing is right when you havent ever done this before. not easy, but dont ever give up i guess. not on me, not on yourself, not on any situation or anything in life. the moment that you try not to do something you know you should be doing, it completely puts you at wrong with your actions, and your conscious.
you may not understand that i do understand why the hell you dont get me.
i have a million opinions, questions, feelings, and so many plans at the moment, all directed towards a direction i am so unfamiliar with.
im not sure how the hell i didnt just walk out that door and fuck up my life like i so badly wanted to.
fortunately, i had all the people that i need in my life there that dealt with me, and by dealing with me, they were being patient enough to try to understand, just ike myself what the hell is going on. but i guess i cant be mad for a single second. i wont be mad or angery or upset with them at all. i do understand their side as much as i can, but what i understand from not just everyones side individually, but the hole situation, is that we are all fucking helpless in this perdicament that i put us in. all of us.
we are all trying relentlessly though to understand where we are comming from.
i realize now so much that i hadnt realized before for the simple fact im finally dealling with this in a rational manner, and not givin gup and allowing myself, my thoughts, my feelings to be come naturally and not hide them away and not try to make them anything than what they are.
despite how difficult your feelings may be, despite how you may not want to feel them, its impossible to hide, cover up, disguise, or change your own thoughts, how you percieve them, recieve thoughts, and then deal with them you can do that, but you cant change who you are, or what you believe in and being scared of feeling things while going through them will absolutely fuck up your train of thought once you try to deciefer whose feelings, thoughts, beliefs are whose. you are going to believe in what you are going to believe in, and feel whatever youre going to feel. even if it is the worst feeling in the enitre universe, it is nothing compared to the feeling of feeling every single solitary thing that you have kept inside your mind and your heart all at one time.
obviously tonight i couldnt even answer a simple question without explaining a million things that i have kept bottled up inside for not only days but months, and weeks, and years at a time that im now dealing with. the thing is i dont know how to deal with these things this way, or the way that i did. im trying very hard to finally be able to do right with my life, and in order to do that i need to give all the people in my life a chance to see that. hopefully along the way i will be able to just go to them without contradicting myself, or my intentions.
so you have asked this whole time
what is it that you are trying to say........
well here it goes!
running away was the most impulsive, yet organized thing i have ever done. life is absoltelly ironic in that way, believe it or not. how can you be able to do something so impulsively yet so thought out at the same time? even if you have a plan, that is carefully organzied, thought out, and constructed, you can make that plan come into play at the worst possible time. does that make sense? i was trying to hard to fix my life, but i left doing the exact opposite, and completely contradicting my own actions without realizing it.
god i hope that makes sense to you.
i had no idea what i was doing at that moment, even if i wouldve waited until about hm lets say 12 am midnight on my birthday, there are numerous things that i couldve had under control. leaving at a time where i was upset, hurt, pissed off, and abolsteyly torn, was the most IMPULSIVE thing i have ever done. i want you to know that in my heart i was doing it because i had thought i was doing something that was going to change my life forever, and open up new door ways.
and believe me it did, but not in the ways that i had thought that they would.
we have all been through a tragedy that is undoubtfully anguishing and profound it may take years to finally be able to turn this into something that is meaningful, and worth what the intions where sought out to be. please give me the time to show you that i need you to be able to all be here for me, even if may seem impossible, i hope that if you decide to come to a decison that will drastically change my life or yours, that you dont make that decision because it seems impossible. youll know when it is, and we both will. we wont have anythint left to say to eachother, there will be nothing left to say if it ever gets to that point.
i have many things to say to all of you individually, but i hope that this explains at least the majority of my intentions at the moment. hopefully we can just simly figure out a way to have this conversation in an open manner, and know what point we are trying to get across.
giving up on me, and not giving my thoughts, beliefs, and reasons a chance, thats the last thing that will help me.
please believe that i know what it is that i need to do in order to make my life better, being here was the first step, this was the second, and i believe that tomorrow, well....today actually....we can finally do this. i feel like we arent all going to just simply fade away from eachother, yet i wonder why my heart is screaming please dont walk away for good until they understand EXACTLY everything you have needed to say.
get it?
how the hell do you go through life wondering what to do with it, and not doing it at the same time?
i want to be able to simply know how to balance my thoughts out, and not tie them in with my feelings.
at this point, its driving me absolutely insane trying to construct my thoughts and my actions all at once.
im not used to feeling like at any moment my life will all fall apart, and i will have to go through something tragic, upsetting, and unpleasantly life changing like i have been doing here recently.
im not sure how to explain to all of you that what you are seeing is a girl that is trying undoubtfully hard to do right even though that is the last thing that she wants to do, and she wouldnt be doing it if it wasnt to do anything other than making it right. but how do you do right, and know what you doing is right when you havent ever done this before. not easy, but dont ever give up i guess. not on me, not on yourself, not on any situation or anything in life. the moment that you try not to do something you know you should be doing, it completely puts you at wrong with your actions, and your conscious.
you may not understand that i do understand why the hell you dont get me.
i have a million opinions, questions, feelings, and so many plans at the moment, all directed towards a direction i am so unfamiliar with.
im not sure how the hell i didnt just walk out that door and fuck up my life like i so badly wanted to.
fortunately, i had all the people that i need in my life there that dealt with me, and by dealing with me, they were being patient enough to try to understand, just ike myself what the hell is going on. but i guess i cant be mad for a single second. i wont be mad or angery or upset with them at all. i do understand their side as much as i can, but what i understand from not just everyones side individually, but the hole situation, is that we are all fucking helpless in this perdicament that i put us in. all of us.
we are all trying relentlessly though to understand where we are comming from.
i realize now so much that i hadnt realized before for the simple fact im finally dealling with this in a rational manner, and not givin gup and allowing myself, my thoughts, my feelings to be come naturally and not hide them away and not try to make them anything than what they are.
despite how difficult your feelings may be, despite how you may not want to feel them, its impossible to hide, cover up, disguise, or change your own thoughts, how you percieve them, recieve thoughts, and then deal with them you can do that, but you cant change who you are, or what you believe in and being scared of feeling things while going through them will absolutely fuck up your train of thought once you try to deciefer whose feelings, thoughts, beliefs are whose. you are going to believe in what you are going to believe in, and feel whatever youre going to feel. even if it is the worst feeling in the enitre universe, it is nothing compared to the feeling of feeling every single solitary thing that you have kept inside your mind and your heart all at one time.
obviously tonight i couldnt even answer a simple question without explaining a million things that i have kept bottled up inside for not only days but months, and weeks, and years at a time that im now dealing with. the thing is i dont know how to deal with these things this way, or the way that i did. im trying very hard to finally be able to do right with my life, and in order to do that i need to give all the people in my life a chance to see that. hopefully along the way i will be able to just go to them without contradicting myself, or my intentions.
so you have asked this whole time
what is it that you are trying to say........
well here it goes!
running away was the most impulsive, yet organized thing i have ever done. life is absoltelly ironic in that way, believe it or not. how can you be able to do something so impulsively yet so thought out at the same time? even if you have a plan, that is carefully organzied, thought out, and constructed, you can make that plan come into play at the worst possible time. does that make sense? i was trying to hard to fix my life, but i left doing the exact opposite, and completely contradicting my own actions without realizing it.
god i hope that makes sense to you.
i had no idea what i was doing at that moment, even if i wouldve waited until about hm lets say 12 am midnight on my birthday, there are numerous things that i couldve had under control. leaving at a time where i was upset, hurt, pissed off, and abolsteyly torn, was the most IMPULSIVE thing i have ever done. i want you to know that in my heart i was doing it because i had thought i was doing something that was going to change my life forever, and open up new door ways.
and believe me it did, but not in the ways that i had thought that they would.
we have all been through a tragedy that is undoubtfully anguishing and profound it may take years to finally be able to turn this into something that is meaningful, and worth what the intions where sought out to be. please give me the time to show you that i need you to be able to all be here for me, even if may seem impossible, i hope that if you decide to come to a decison that will drastically change my life or yours, that you dont make that decision because it seems impossible. youll know when it is, and we both will. we wont have anythint left to say to eachother, there will be nothing left to say if it ever gets to that point.
i have many things to say to all of you individually, but i hope that this explains at least the majority of my intentions at the moment. hopefully we can just simly figure out a way to have this conversation in an open manner, and know what point we are trying to get across.
giving up on me, and not giving my thoughts, beliefs, and reasons a chance, thats the last thing that will help me.
please believe that i know what it is that i need to do in order to make my life better, being here was the first step, this was the second, and i believe that tomorrow, well....today actually....we can finally do this. i feel like we arent all going to just simply fade away from eachother, yet i wonder why my heart is screaming please dont walk away for good until they understand EXACTLY everything you have needed to say.
get it?
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