Sunday, October 23, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
dear everyone,
how the hell do you go through life wondering what to do with it, and not doing it at the same time?
i want to be able to simply know how to balance my thoughts out, and not tie them in with my feelings.
at this point, its driving me absolutely insane trying to construct my thoughts and my actions all at once.
im not used to feeling like at any moment my life will all fall apart, and i will have to go through something tragic, upsetting, and unpleasantly life changing like i have been doing here recently.
im not sure how to explain to all of you that what you are seeing is a girl that is trying undoubtfully hard to do right even though that is the last thing that she wants to do, and she wouldnt be doing it if it wasnt to do anything other than making it right. but how do you do right, and know what you doing is right when you havent ever done this before. not easy, but dont ever give up i guess. not on me, not on yourself, not on any situation or anything in life. the moment that you try not to do something you know you should be doing, it completely puts you at wrong with your actions, and your conscious.
you may not understand that i do understand why the hell you dont get me.
i have a million opinions, questions, feelings, and so many plans at the moment, all directed towards a direction i am so unfamiliar with.
im not sure how the hell i didnt just walk out that door and fuck up my life like i so badly wanted to.
fortunately, i had all the people that i need in my life there that dealt with me, and by dealing with me, they were being patient enough to try to understand, just ike myself what the hell is going on. but i guess i cant be mad for a single second. i wont be mad or angery or upset with them at all. i do understand their side as much as i can, but what i understand from not just everyones side individually, but the hole situation, is that we are all fucking helpless in this perdicament that i put us in. all of us.
we are all trying relentlessly though to understand where we are comming from.
i realize now so much that i hadnt realized before for the simple fact im finally dealling with this in a rational manner, and not givin gup and allowing myself, my thoughts, my feelings to be come naturally and not hide them away and not try to make them anything than what they are.
despite how difficult your feelings may be, despite how you may not want to feel them, its impossible to hide, cover up, disguise, or change your own thoughts, how you percieve them, recieve thoughts, and then deal with them you can do that, but you cant change who you are, or what you believe in and being scared of feeling things while going through them will absolutely fuck up your train of thought once you try to deciefer whose feelings, thoughts, beliefs are whose. you are going to believe in what you are going to believe in, and feel whatever youre going to feel. even if it is the worst feeling in the enitre universe, it is nothing compared to the feeling of feeling every single solitary thing that you have kept inside your mind and your heart all at one time.
obviously tonight i couldnt even answer a simple question without explaining a million things that i have kept bottled up inside for not only days but months, and weeks, and years at a time that im now dealing with. the thing is i dont know how to deal with these things this way, or the way that i did. im trying very hard to finally be able to do right with my life, and in order to do that i need to give all the people in my life a chance to see that. hopefully along the way i will be able to just go to them without contradicting myself, or my intentions.
so you have asked this whole time
what is it that you are trying to say........
well here it goes!
running away was the most impulsive, yet organized thing i have ever done. life is absoltelly ironic in that way, believe it or not. how can you be able to do something so impulsively yet so thought out at the same time? even if you have a plan, that is carefully organzied, thought out, and constructed, you can make that plan come into play at the worst possible time. does that make sense? i was trying to hard to fix my life, but i left doing the exact opposite, and completely contradicting my own actions without realizing it.
god i hope that makes sense to you.
i had no idea what i was doing at that moment, even if i wouldve waited until about hm lets say 12 am midnight on my birthday, there are numerous things that i couldve had under control. leaving at a time where i was upset, hurt, pissed off, and abolsteyly torn, was the most IMPULSIVE thing i have ever done. i want you to know that in my heart i was doing it because i had thought i was doing something that was going to change my life forever, and open up new door ways.
and believe me it did, but not in the ways that i had thought that they would.
we have all been through a tragedy that is undoubtfully anguishing and profound it may take years to finally be able to turn this into something that is meaningful, and worth what the intions where sought out to be. please give me the time to show you that i need you to be able to all be here for me, even if may seem impossible, i hope that if you decide to come to a decison that will drastically change my life or yours, that you dont make that decision because it seems impossible. youll know when it is, and we both will. we wont have anythint left to say to eachother, there will be nothing left to say if it ever gets to that point.
i have many things to say to all of you individually, but i hope that this explains at least the majority of my intentions at the moment. hopefully we can just simly figure out a way to have this conversation in an open manner, and know what point we are trying to get across.
giving up on me, and not giving my thoughts, beliefs, and reasons a chance, thats the last thing that will help me.
please believe that i know what it is that i need to do in order to make my life better, being here was the first step, this was the second, and i believe that tomorrow, well....today actually....we can finally do this. i feel like we arent all going to just simply fade away from eachother, yet i wonder why my heart is screaming please dont walk away for good until they understand EXACTLY everything you have needed to say.
get it?
how the hell do you go through life wondering what to do with it, and not doing it at the same time?
i want to be able to simply know how to balance my thoughts out, and not tie them in with my feelings.
at this point, its driving me absolutely insane trying to construct my thoughts and my actions all at once.
im not used to feeling like at any moment my life will all fall apart, and i will have to go through something tragic, upsetting, and unpleasantly life changing like i have been doing here recently.
im not sure how to explain to all of you that what you are seeing is a girl that is trying undoubtfully hard to do right even though that is the last thing that she wants to do, and she wouldnt be doing it if it wasnt to do anything other than making it right. but how do you do right, and know what you doing is right when you havent ever done this before. not easy, but dont ever give up i guess. not on me, not on yourself, not on any situation or anything in life. the moment that you try not to do something you know you should be doing, it completely puts you at wrong with your actions, and your conscious.
you may not understand that i do understand why the hell you dont get me.
i have a million opinions, questions, feelings, and so many plans at the moment, all directed towards a direction i am so unfamiliar with.
im not sure how the hell i didnt just walk out that door and fuck up my life like i so badly wanted to.
fortunately, i had all the people that i need in my life there that dealt with me, and by dealing with me, they were being patient enough to try to understand, just ike myself what the hell is going on. but i guess i cant be mad for a single second. i wont be mad or angery or upset with them at all. i do understand their side as much as i can, but what i understand from not just everyones side individually, but the hole situation, is that we are all fucking helpless in this perdicament that i put us in. all of us.
we are all trying relentlessly though to understand where we are comming from.
i realize now so much that i hadnt realized before for the simple fact im finally dealling with this in a rational manner, and not givin gup and allowing myself, my thoughts, my feelings to be come naturally and not hide them away and not try to make them anything than what they are.
despite how difficult your feelings may be, despite how you may not want to feel them, its impossible to hide, cover up, disguise, or change your own thoughts, how you percieve them, recieve thoughts, and then deal with them you can do that, but you cant change who you are, or what you believe in and being scared of feeling things while going through them will absolutely fuck up your train of thought once you try to deciefer whose feelings, thoughts, beliefs are whose. you are going to believe in what you are going to believe in, and feel whatever youre going to feel. even if it is the worst feeling in the enitre universe, it is nothing compared to the feeling of feeling every single solitary thing that you have kept inside your mind and your heart all at one time.
obviously tonight i couldnt even answer a simple question without explaining a million things that i have kept bottled up inside for not only days but months, and weeks, and years at a time that im now dealing with. the thing is i dont know how to deal with these things this way, or the way that i did. im trying very hard to finally be able to do right with my life, and in order to do that i need to give all the people in my life a chance to see that. hopefully along the way i will be able to just go to them without contradicting myself, or my intentions.
so you have asked this whole time
what is it that you are trying to say........
well here it goes!
running away was the most impulsive, yet organized thing i have ever done. life is absoltelly ironic in that way, believe it or not. how can you be able to do something so impulsively yet so thought out at the same time? even if you have a plan, that is carefully organzied, thought out, and constructed, you can make that plan come into play at the worst possible time. does that make sense? i was trying to hard to fix my life, but i left doing the exact opposite, and completely contradicting my own actions without realizing it.
god i hope that makes sense to you.
i had no idea what i was doing at that moment, even if i wouldve waited until about hm lets say 12 am midnight on my birthday, there are numerous things that i couldve had under control. leaving at a time where i was upset, hurt, pissed off, and abolsteyly torn, was the most IMPULSIVE thing i have ever done. i want you to know that in my heart i was doing it because i had thought i was doing something that was going to change my life forever, and open up new door ways.
and believe me it did, but not in the ways that i had thought that they would.
we have all been through a tragedy that is undoubtfully anguishing and profound it may take years to finally be able to turn this into something that is meaningful, and worth what the intions where sought out to be. please give me the time to show you that i need you to be able to all be here for me, even if may seem impossible, i hope that if you decide to come to a decison that will drastically change my life or yours, that you dont make that decision because it seems impossible. youll know when it is, and we both will. we wont have anythint left to say to eachother, there will be nothing left to say if it ever gets to that point.
i have many things to say to all of you individually, but i hope that this explains at least the majority of my intentions at the moment. hopefully we can just simly figure out a way to have this conversation in an open manner, and know what point we are trying to get across.
giving up on me, and not giving my thoughts, beliefs, and reasons a chance, thats the last thing that will help me.
please believe that i know what it is that i need to do in order to make my life better, being here was the first step, this was the second, and i believe that tomorrow, well....today actually....we can finally do this. i feel like we arent all going to just simply fade away from eachother, yet i wonder why my heart is screaming please dont walk away for good until they understand EXACTLY everything you have needed to say.
get it?
Monday, March 7, 2011
Unborn
Escaped.
Time, life, meaning, and all forms of hope we're erased from possession.
Unanswered questions remain in demand of being answered, as new questions begin to boil we reach our position where we are yet again raising our weapons- in all fear that there is a war.
Having your fellow soldier fall puts you at risk when he wounds you as well. If you're one of those tough soldiers that has unconditional love for what he's fighting for, youll be like me, and despite being wounded, you'll go back for your soldier. Even if he did wound you, it's easy to see with teamwork and passion, persistence, and determination you can make it to your destination.
Now were on a separate mission, and we just got the word that the mission is being called off. My soldier doesn't seem slightly bothered, for he has faith that another mission will arrive, and I have concerns and doubts about him on the next mission.
Soulless and hopeless.
The clouds are relentlessly expanding over oceans of turquoise sky, the air remains still as stagnant water.
She's falling falling falling, disappearing along with all the hope she lost.
Notebooks I will stain with tears, your letters hold pain sharp enough to cut me to my last half before i can no longer remain together.
The rain has started, bittersweet, so sweet you hardly know if it's sour or perfectly sweet. I can smell the air, it's thick with tragedy, and carries well with the wind. Letters, plans, dedication and thought are washed away, drenched, and ruined from the rain.
She's drowning.
.......she did not resurface
Time, life, meaning, and all forms of hope we're erased from possession.
Unanswered questions remain in demand of being answered, as new questions begin to boil we reach our position where we are yet again raising our weapons- in all fear that there is a war.
Having your fellow soldier fall puts you at risk when he wounds you as well. If you're one of those tough soldiers that has unconditional love for what he's fighting for, youll be like me, and despite being wounded, you'll go back for your soldier. Even if he did wound you, it's easy to see with teamwork and passion, persistence, and determination you can make it to your destination.
Now were on a separate mission, and we just got the word that the mission is being called off. My soldier doesn't seem slightly bothered, for he has faith that another mission will arrive, and I have concerns and doubts about him on the next mission.
Soulless and hopeless.
The clouds are relentlessly expanding over oceans of turquoise sky, the air remains still as stagnant water.
She's falling falling falling, disappearing along with all the hope she lost.
Notebooks I will stain with tears, your letters hold pain sharp enough to cut me to my last half before i can no longer remain together.
The rain has started, bittersweet, so sweet you hardly know if it's sour or perfectly sweet. I can smell the air, it's thick with tragedy, and carries well with the wind. Letters, plans, dedication and thought are washed away, drenched, and ruined from the rain.
She's drowning.
.......she did not resurface
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
jace vohn ahyden swain
dear baby,
you don't know your way around this world yet, considering you are too small to know basically anything at all. for you there are no worries, no doubts, thoughts are something you cant quite comprehend even in the least bit. tragedies await you, and you're entire life is a mystery that only you yourself can uncover.
i am here for you in all the ways that i can be. to nurture you, to help you grow, and to try to teach you not to make the millions of mistakes that i made, that i make, and that i will make. of course, you will have to go on about your own business, learning all of the things yet to learn, but i can only guide you away from those decisions, and hope that you don't do any of the things that i taught you not to do.
if i had the ability to take away all of the pain, the anger, the confusion, the heartache, the downfalls, the addictions, the suspicions, the CRAPPY PARTS of life, i am unsure if i would or not. pain, experience, and having the ability to be able to bring yourself out of the downfalls life will indeed throw at you relentlessly....has such a substaintial impact on your life. if i knew that i could take all of that away, knowing that if i did it might save your life, or infact help you in some positive and uproaring way than i would. but i will never have the ability to teach you what you can teach yourself.
i want to be there to teach you how to do anything and everything that you want to do. where do you want to go Jace?
do you want to go see the great barrier reef?
you want to go to sydney australia at night, and see all the lights that add color to your already livid personality?
whatever that you want to do, whether it become a science teacher, a vet, an astronaut, a sailer, a fisherman, or a hippie...if it makes you happier than all the millions of other things there are to do, or have, or live by in this world than go for it.
i love you child. i love you baby. i cant wait to hold you in my arms to finally be able to see if you have my eyes, if you have my intuition, and if you have daddys laugh. god i love his laugh.
i just wanted to ensure you that despite whatever happens, whatever your thoughts are, whatever it is that you desire, hate, love, feel, think, rebel against, etc...i will always be the mom that understands and that will try to teach you ways to better yourself through this life.
and when you are finally here to see the world, my only hope is that i wont fail. i do not, will not, can not fail you. i love you too much.
you don't know your way around this world yet, considering you are too small to know basically anything at all. for you there are no worries, no doubts, thoughts are something you cant quite comprehend even in the least bit. tragedies await you, and you're entire life is a mystery that only you yourself can uncover.
i am here for you in all the ways that i can be. to nurture you, to help you grow, and to try to teach you not to make the millions of mistakes that i made, that i make, and that i will make. of course, you will have to go on about your own business, learning all of the things yet to learn, but i can only guide you away from those decisions, and hope that you don't do any of the things that i taught you not to do.
if i had the ability to take away all of the pain, the anger, the confusion, the heartache, the downfalls, the addictions, the suspicions, the CRAPPY PARTS of life, i am unsure if i would or not. pain, experience, and having the ability to be able to bring yourself out of the downfalls life will indeed throw at you relentlessly....has such a substaintial impact on your life. if i knew that i could take all of that away, knowing that if i did it might save your life, or infact help you in some positive and uproaring way than i would. but i will never have the ability to teach you what you can teach yourself.
i want to be there to teach you how to do anything and everything that you want to do. where do you want to go Jace?
do you want to go see the great barrier reef?
you want to go to sydney australia at night, and see all the lights that add color to your already livid personality?
whatever that you want to do, whether it become a science teacher, a vet, an astronaut, a sailer, a fisherman, or a hippie...if it makes you happier than all the millions of other things there are to do, or have, or live by in this world than go for it.
i love you child. i love you baby. i cant wait to hold you in my arms to finally be able to see if you have my eyes, if you have my intuition, and if you have daddys laugh. god i love his laugh.
i just wanted to ensure you that despite whatever happens, whatever your thoughts are, whatever it is that you desire, hate, love, feel, think, rebel against, etc...i will always be the mom that understands and that will try to teach you ways to better yourself through this life.
and when you are finally here to see the world, my only hope is that i wont fail. i do not, will not, can not fail you. i love you too much.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
you.
its dark out, and all of the town seems to have dissapeared by themselves, leaving me to be alone along with the gruble that has been left for me to rot away beside.
i look at all of the clouds that have been hovering over my head, i watch how they move slowly across the sky, and the sight of this makes my whole heart seem to break. its all so beautiful.
i look at all of the clouds that have been hovering over my head, i watch how they move slowly across the sky, and the sight of this makes my whole heart seem to break. its all so beautiful.
dont forget me when i leave.
thats all i ask is that once im gone, you hold true to my memory.
fade back to the days where life was good.
days on the boat, drifting along with the water, drifting along forever.
viewing the stars at night makes me smile.
i smile until i cry.
as i pack my bags, i leave you a letter saying that ill come back for you.
i leave you a box, and in it you will find all the things that will remind you of myself whenever i am gone.
i hope whenever it rains you will wonder what our baby looks like, wondering what it would be like to hold the life that you created with me.
a life
a life
a life.
we created it.
Friday, January 21, 2011
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuck
this isnt her, staying quiet and keeping certain thoughts in her mind aren't usual.
see, it can become impossible for her to even function correctly without all those wild curiosities going on in her mind, or all the opinions and things that make her who she is.
maybe though, just maybe once i begin dealing with situations like everyone else does, and the longer that I do it, the more apparent it will be that you fell in love with someone different.
i will work with you though
i am running out of options as to what i am doing.
how about this?
you come to me when you can know what you want to do, or how you would like me to handle certain things.
its never enough for anyone.
what hurts the most though is the fact that despite how often i try to manage certain things about either my thoughts, my emotions, anything...the more you realize maybe you fell in love with the wrong person?
i feel this way.
i dont want it to be true, i dont know what to think.
i wish you would talk to me.
i ask god every night to bring you back.
see, it can become impossible for her to even function correctly without all those wild curiosities going on in her mind, or all the opinions and things that make her who she is.
maybe though, just maybe once i begin dealing with situations like everyone else does, and the longer that I do it, the more apparent it will be that you fell in love with someone different.
i will work with you though
i am running out of options as to what i am doing.
how about this?
you come to me when you can know what you want to do, or how you would like me to handle certain things.
its never enough for anyone.
what hurts the most though is the fact that despite how often i try to manage certain things about either my thoughts, my emotions, anything...the more you realize maybe you fell in love with the wrong person?
i feel this way.
i dont want it to be true, i dont know what to think.
i wish you would talk to me.
i ask god every night to bring you back.
Friday, January 14, 2011
car ride
i remember it like it was yesterday.
yeah, i do remember all the things that went with seeing you for the first time.
i remember how you smiled, and i thought it was something very sweet and special because it livened up your entire face, and anyone who could see that smile, could also see a glipse of the happiness you felt. we can feel it.
i remember how i froze the first time right there in the doorway of english, at the very sight of you.
sometimes you know, its still like that.
sometimes you make me stop dead in my tracks, you take my breath away, and you still give me goosebumps, even when you simply hold my hand.
five months later were somewhere else.
but ill tell ya, when you hold my hand, i still get that. still, i feel every emotion, and i willl continue to fall in love with you relentlessly.
im not sure where we're going, im not sure how many sights we'll see along the way, and im not sure who we will bump into along the way. im not sure even where we last where a week ago.
still, ill be on the passengers side, waiting for our destination, and enjoying the ride up until you decide to let me out of the car.
and i hope you know that ill be beside you, im here.
we watch miracles happen every day.
we live this magic, and we are the magic.
my fear is someday you will wake up, your view on who i am will change, and all the love that continues to grow each day will only fade, and you will let go of all of what we have.
i disregaurd it now. i will continue disregaurding all negative thoughts, all my bad emotions i cant control, i will keep it down and away from you.
sorry...i know the music has been loud this car ride.
....
yeah, i do remember all the things that went with seeing you for the first time.
i remember how you smiled, and i thought it was something very sweet and special because it livened up your entire face, and anyone who could see that smile, could also see a glipse of the happiness you felt. we can feel it.
i remember how i froze the first time right there in the doorway of english, at the very sight of you.
sometimes you know, its still like that.
sometimes you make me stop dead in my tracks, you take my breath away, and you still give me goosebumps, even when you simply hold my hand.
five months later were somewhere else.
but ill tell ya, when you hold my hand, i still get that. still, i feel every emotion, and i willl continue to fall in love with you relentlessly.
im not sure where we're going, im not sure how many sights we'll see along the way, and im not sure who we will bump into along the way. im not sure even where we last where a week ago.
still, ill be on the passengers side, waiting for our destination, and enjoying the ride up until you decide to let me out of the car.
and i hope you know that ill be beside you, im here.
we watch miracles happen every day.
we live this magic, and we are the magic.
my fear is someday you will wake up, your view on who i am will change, and all the love that continues to grow each day will only fade, and you will let go of all of what we have.
i disregaurd it now. i will continue disregaurding all negative thoughts, all my bad emotions i cant control, i will keep it down and away from you.
sorry...i know the music has been loud this car ride.
....
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